I woke up feeling defeated. This race was supposed to be the highlight of the first half of 2025, and yet again I came down with gut issues just before the race. Traveling to Gotha on Friday, I felt full and bloated. Having hardly slept, I decided not to join the team dinner and went to bed early. I was feeling better on Saturday morning and tried to calm myself down with the thought of having a toilet always close by, as it was a looped course.
Contrary to the North Sea Ultra 111K I had finished just 3 weeks prior, I wouldn’t need to endure long stretches without being able to “go.” And I hoped that my gut would calm down after a while, just like it did in the previous race.
But I knew I couldn’t continue like this. I had been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome in my 20s, and until today no other diagnosis had been made.
I promised myself to focus on getting my gut health back on track once I was back home and that I would try to give it my best in the race.
After all, at least it wasn’t raining and the weather forecast now only showed light drizzle every now and then. Still, I packed all the rain gear I brought, extra clothes, and a second pair of shoes.
I arrived at the race location way too early. I was nervous.
But I didn’t have to wait around by myself, as another member of my running club was there already as well. We chatted a bit before it was time to get our race bibs. I felt calm and enjoyed the atmosphere as more and more runners arrived at the location, and I got to chat with a few friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.
The First Half: When Hope Meets Reality
After a slightly confusing race briefing (we were first told we weren’t allowed to bring nutrition with us on the course, which was then corrected to we weren’t allowed to take nutrition from others outside of the designated areas), we lined up at the start and followed the bike for the first round.
The atmosphere was great. I loved the party vibe the organizers delivered with music and a very engaged and entertaining moderator. The weather was still nice—sultry, but I liked it. Every now and then, a downpour broke up the heat.
I hate running in the rain and had to stay present to not get into a negative mindset. I told myself it was good that the body gets some cooling.
I felt good, and my legs moved well, but my gut wouldn’t relax. Seemingly with every lap it cramped more and more and the swelling increased. I tried to make myself need the toilet by drinking more Tailwind (which usually helps), but it didn’t work. Except for some rumbling in my gut, there was nothing.
I continued to fuel with Tailwind recovery mix, had a Precision Hydration gel, and sometime later a chew bar.
And my gut issues got worse.
I had hoped it would improve, as it usually does on training runs (and as it did during the North Sea Ultra), but it didn’t. Slowly but inevitably, my pace and mood declined.
I didn’t really know what to do, as I had never experienced this before, neither in training nor during a race. Whenever I started a training run or race with a bloated and full gut, it would get better during movement.
Until this day, it has never gotten worse.
The Dark Hours: When Everything Falls Apart
Sometime after dark set in, I wasn’t able to get any nutrition in me anymore. Not even liquids, as they would instantly come back up again. Running was hard now, as I could barely breathe and I was also starting to feel sick in my stomach. I saw all my goals slip away, which made my mood even worse.
Switching to a run-walk helped with the breathing, but I felt defeated and angry.
By now the organizers had switched on the live results, and for the first time I checked my place. I was still the 5th female and we were already past the 12-hour mark.
“Maybe I could still place in the top 10”, I thought.
But I was walking a lot now. And finally, around 15 hours in, all I did was walk. I put on my rain poncho. Despite wearing 2 jackets over my shirt, I was feeling cold.
A member of my run club walked with me for a few laps and I appreciated her chatter. She distracted me from my low mood, and it was nice spending time with her and getting to know her.
I prefer training alone and, therefore, don’t know many members of the club I’m a part of. The few I do know, I’ve met through races. After a few laps I told her that I didn’t want to hold her back and she should keep going faster again, which she eventually did.
It was already daylight again when I saw I was still in 8th place. Yet somehow that didn’t motivate me to put my best effort into the last few hours anymore.
I didn’t attempt to run again.
I tried coffee, I tried salt tablets, I tried coke… But nothing would get my gut going, so that I could literally get going again.
And then, around 7:00 AM, a heavy downpour started. Being under the tent of the aid station was the perfect excuse to not continue moving.
And it was the perfect excuse to drop out of the race.
I waited for a bit in the tent, but I had no doubt when I gave the race organizers my tracker and told them I would drop out.
Recovery and Reflection: The Hardest Part
It was only drizzling lightly when I went to the tent of our club, where I had my belongings. I wanted to get to the hotel as soon as possible and didn’t wait until the award ceremony. I put myself to bed without showering.
Still freezing, I wanted to warm up as quickly as possible.
I fell asleep and woke some time later feeling incredibly hot. Then I started to get cold again. This pattern of feeling too hot, too cold, and too hot again continued for a few hours and kept me in a state of being half awake and half asleep.
I stayed in bed until the next morning and again didn’t join my teammates for dinner.
When I got up in the morning, it was the first time that I didn’t have the happy after-race feeling.
And I knew it wasn’t because I didn’t achieve the goal I set for myself.
Because I also didn’t achieve the goal I set for the North Sea Ultra 111K just 3 weeks earlier. But in that race I did fight until the end. I didn’t give up even though I had severe gut issues and even though I often entertained the thought of quitting.
But now I woke up knowing I didn’t give it my best. I quit, despite still being able to move forward, even at a slow pace. Instead of reframing and trying my best in the given circumstances, I quit.
I still don’t know why I made that decision so easily, as I felt worse in races before, and I always thought my strong willpower was my strength.
My best guess is that my mind was just too tired.
It has only been 3 weeks since the North Sea Ultra 111K. I have been dealing with a lot of work stress and my gut health has been poor since the beginning of the year, leaving me with countless sleepless nights, missed or cut short training runs, a missed race, and a very difficult one…
Perhaps I was just too mentally drained, and the constant cramping, bloating, and breathing issues during the race brought me to the breaking point.
The Silver Lining: Finding Strength in Struggle
But as disappointed as I was in the days after, today—2 weeks after the race—I see it a bit more objectively and am still content with the result. I placed 17th female (out of 46), 3rd in my age group (W40), and I covered 155.8km in 21 hours.
Considering I have been running for only 4 years and 4 months now, have been running very little in 2023, and grew up being bullied because of how unathletic I was… I am proud of this body and what it can do today 😎 .
And I know bad races are part of this game and sooner or later I would have to write “I didn’t give it my all.” This race was it.
But instead of dwelling on it, I’m taking the lessons learned and am focusing on what I need to improve for the next adventures ahead.